My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
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When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
road rage
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends