My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
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Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.