Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*