Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

Netflix and awkward silence?

Unimpressed

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic