My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
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I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.