My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
A short story of betrayal:
