My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
me after eating Cheetos
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
