My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.
I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌
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velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?