Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

Peace was never an option

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”