Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]

Her: Hi!

Him, making a weird face: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …

Her: …

Him: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.

SF is the wild wild west man

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand