Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*