My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
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My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
This is I, Robot all over again
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours