My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
not for long
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.