My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Glasses
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving