My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
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Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
sugar glider wrangler
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls