My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
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Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
any last words?
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Guy who likes music
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.