My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
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I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time