My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
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Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
There is no try. There is only give up.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
multitasking lunch
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Bruh PLEASE
