@Artemis_Ascends

My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.

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@Hormonella

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

@MaMikeamo

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

@Kyle_Lippert

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

@IndecisiveJones

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

@WheelTod

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

@Mardigroan

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

@briancthayer

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

MISSING CAT??
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

@MelvinofYork

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there