My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Florida be like…
good work, detective
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.