My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
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I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
[McDonald’s interview]
Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working
Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*
Sorry it’s out of order
Interviewer: when can you start?
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change