My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
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If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I can fix him.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.