My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
You Might Also Like
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water