Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

so this horse walks into a bar

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

Did my cat write this

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard