My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
