My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
😂😂😂
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
