My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
You Might Also Like
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat