My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
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butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*