My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
![]()
You Might Also Like
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
![]()
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.