My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
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Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
found my next D&D character name
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with