My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
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“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*