My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
You Might Also Like
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”