My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
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don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show
8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
The opposite of Iceland is water water
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?