My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
You Might Also Like
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
#Caturday
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.