My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
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Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.