My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
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Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.