Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

There are usually two types of merchants.

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.