My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
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Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
[eulogy]
line?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor