Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself

[later]

Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

A roof is a house hat.

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.

I’d love this…lol

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.