Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

uncle dave has been through hell

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

when someone rings the doorbell

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY