My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
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Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace