My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
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Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.