My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
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“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.