Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.

I gave my kids one last chance to stop playing with their whistle in the house.

But they blew it.

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

not seeing the problem

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.