Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

to be Frank, i would have to change my name.

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

If you need a laugh.. 😅

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.

The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

Did…did a minotaur write this

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

Boom, boom, ching!