Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

The Others (2001)

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.