My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?