My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
ew if literal: let me be clear
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Can confirm.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
