My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
