My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
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Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??