Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people

me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

? 💀

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

Worth the read.

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD