My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
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Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill