My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
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If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU