Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD

Perfect

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

*me flirting

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!