My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
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I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way