My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
You Might Also Like
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition