My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
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Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship