Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

perfect

Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.