My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.