My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
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My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.