Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”

“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone