My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
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A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?