My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
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“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?