My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
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I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
🤣🤣🤣
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Alexa; make it look like an accident
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality