My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
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MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
#damn
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
me as a parent
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.