Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.

🤣

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.