My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
You Might Also Like
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?