My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
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Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.