My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
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“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Penguins walking in 5x speed
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.