My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
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[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
i dont have time for this
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom