My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer

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Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit


Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.


[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that


aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out


[invention of surfing]

“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”


It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.


5 steps to a happy marriage:

1. Doritos
2. Oreos
3. Pez
4. Mr. Noodles
5. Oops this is my grocery list.
6. Still applicable.


When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend


im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying