keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
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[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
what’s really going on
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor