Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer
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Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
5 steps to a happy marriage:
4. Mr. Noodles
5. Oops this is my grocery list.
6. Still applicable.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying