My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
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I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I came this close!!!!
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
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Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.